Encounters of An Avid Beach-Goer

I spend oodles amount of time at the beach in the summer.  Give me sun, sand, and heat baby!!  So yes, I am an avid beach-goer or just a plain old beach bum…whatever you wanna call me. 

If you have ever been to the beach even just once, then you have definitely had those moments where you see something and go “what the hell?”  Think about, you know you have.   Since, I am at the beach pretty much on a daily basis, you can probably imagine the amount of WTF things I have seen.  And lucky for you and me, its makes awesome blog fodder. 

Without further ado,  as an avid beach go-er I would like to share some beach etiquette with you:

• No one thinks you’re kid throwing sand or rocks is cute.  Cut the shit.  And its worse when you are teaching your 2yr old to throw rocks- that’s called bad parenting.
• If the beach is fairly empty, why must you sit directly on top of me?? I know I picked a pretty good spot but really, even if you moved over another 10 feet its still a good spot! (this happens to me every time!)
• Your 5 yr old throwing a hissy fit is obnoxious.  And yes I am staring.
• If you put your baby in a float and let go to take a picture, don’t be surprised when he tips over.
• Pearls do not go with your bathing suit.  No matter how much you think they go with everything, they don’t.
• I don’t care if your kids are outside, they do not need to be screaming bloody murder in the water.  Tell them to shut up before I do.  No seriously, control your damn kids or when a shark really is gonna eat them, I’m grabbing the popcorn.
• The whole beach does not need to hear about your recent colonoscopy, the size of your areolas, your thoughts on the difference between weed and nicotine, and your waxing habits.  (I’m not even kidding that this group of girls had this conversation)
• Normal people don’t dance the funky chicken, grind, or booty pop at the beach.  Save it for the club when your flab is tucked in. 
• When your umbrella flips inside out when you are trying to set it up…I am laughing hysterically at you.  It’s hilarious.
• When you were raving about how awesome and cheap you got your gravity chair from the Christmas Tree shop is and it collapses on you….that totally made my day. 

If you are an offender of any of the above then please stop for my sake, your sake and the sake of everyone around you.  Otherwise, you’re gonna end up here- on Good Golly Miss Blondie.

*note: this post was written with sarcasm and should be taken with humor and jest.  If you are offended- tough!